I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
