My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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