I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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