So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize