Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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