Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
