Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
