His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
