I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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