I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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