when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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