Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
