I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
nutella sex= disaster
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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