a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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