hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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