i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
