I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
