My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
