I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
