So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
