so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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