I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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