All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
