I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize