chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
