I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
