handjob tips. give me some.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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