he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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