Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize