# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
