I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
