i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
