happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
