He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
