he told me I talked like a deaf person
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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