Where did you get a picture of my penis
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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