i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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