There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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