The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
