Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
