C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
