Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
