I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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