i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
