seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
