There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
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