Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
