just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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