Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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