What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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