I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
