This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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