The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
