There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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