I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize