A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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