what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
