I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
