there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
